英语笑话集中营

神父，他有AIDS

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢?Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句：“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：为什么?他对你做了什么吗?Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是说像这样子吗?(神父伸手摸女孩的胸部)Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：(因为神父的举动而有一些害羞)嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是说像这样子吗?(神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服)Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是这样子没错。Preacher: That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那个...放到我的...那个...里面cher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：(奸笑貌)你是说像这样子吗?(神父和女孩就那个那个了)

Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：(数分钟後)喔...是的...就是这样子cher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个...」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀!Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那个狗娘养的!!!

我没有看到另外一块

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.

妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗?约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。

魔鬼的妹夫

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。

"Who are you?" he asked.

“你是谁?”丈夫问到。

"I'm the Devil!" she responded.

“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹!”

最丑的孩子?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”

A Man of Actions

A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”

A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.

Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”

He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from 　　Oxford this very evening!”

一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早　　对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”

下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”

突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波?”

他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃…呃…，罗斯小姐，呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”

If I Am a Manager

One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.

All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.

“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.

一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。

所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。

“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。

Isn’t it wonderful?

"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man.

"I broke a mirror," he replied.

"But that means seven years of bad luck."

"I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?"

这难道不好吗?

“你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。

“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。

“但那预示着7年的'坏运气。”

“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗?”

Whats time to a pig?

One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，“时间对猪有什么意义?”

我和老师的故事

Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?

老师：汤姆!约翰!你俩今天为什么迟到了!

Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.

汤姆：老师，我一直在找我丢失的一美元硬币。

Teachear: John, what about you?

老师：那么你呢，约翰?

John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.

约翰：老师，我不能动啊，我把他的硬币藏脚底下了。

再见

Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: "where shall we go?" The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"

两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."

迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。

当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”

女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”

丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”

Goldfish 金鱼

Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。

Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?

Stan: In the bathroom.

斯丹：浴室。

Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?

Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛!

I am acting like a lady 我要表现得像一位女士

One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.

一天，一家百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是，没过多久，他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.

他竭力地忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥舞双臂，挤过人群。

"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?”

"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

“听着，”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起，我要表现得像一位女士。”